Janellasaurus rex (nellasaur) wrote,
Janellasaurus rex

For the reading pleasure of DDD chat you, o great Internet, I present:

A Brief Biography of Chuck Norris

In the beginning, there was nothing...and Chuck Norris. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the nothing and told it to get a job. That done, he went off and had a beer with God. God, bored and slightly boozy, decided he wanted to try the creation thing too, and said, "Let there be light." Of course, Chuck Norris has no place in his heart for rudeness, and said, "Say please."

After the minor lesson in manners, Chuck Norris sat back and watched God play. He had to admit, the Big Guy wasn’t bad...but he’d forgotten a few things. And so it came to be that Chuck Norris had to create the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football--in that order, of course. He does have his priorities straight.

So God peopled the Earth with everything on it, and Chuck Norris looked down upon it, and saw that it was okay (after his additions). For a while, things went well. Of course, there was that whole incident with the dinosaurs--they looked at Chuck Norris wrong, and he couldn’t let them get away with that, now could he? So they went extinct.

(This is widely held by all intelligent people to be solid proof that the theory of evolution is false--there are only the animals Chuck Norris allows continued life. Darwin’s fanboys just won’t drop it, though!)

Chuck Norris does not limit his interactions with the animal world solely to killing them, however. He is also responsible for many of the species alive today. Most notable are polar bears, all of which are descended from a normal bear that was so terrified of Chuck Norris that it fled to the North--and all of its fur turned white. (Also notable are giraffes, the sons and daughters of a horse lucky enough to have been roundhouse kicked in the chin and survive.)

So for many years, Chuck Norris limited himself to the events of the Earth, and had nothing more to do with God and his works. He was too busy roundhouse kicking all those cavemen into shape. Hairy Neanderthals do not worthy opponents make. There was a time of peace (and occasional roundhouse-related deaths), and then came the birth of Jesus.

Of course Chuck Norris had to visit the son of his old drinking buddy God, and so he accompanied the Three Wise Men to Bethlehem. He gave the baby the gift of beard, and unlike the more expensive but far less practical gifts of the other wise men, this one Jesus carried with him for life. This got Chuck Norris written out of the Bible, and the Three Wise Men roundhouse kicked out of life.

The world turned. Chuck Norris lived on, Jesus didn’t. (Nasty bit of work, that.) Chuck Norris occupied himself with spreading fear of his name and making the legend of his mighty roundhouse kick an immortal one. He centered many of his operations in the United States--in fact, one of the reasons the colonies won the Revolutionary War is because most of the British army was roundhouse kicked into space by him. (This orbiting body is today known as Pluto.)

Of course, Chuck Norris does visit other parts of the world, making history in every single country he visits. He particularly likes Italy. He once had sex with every nun in a convent in Italy; these nuns went on to give birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated professional football team in history. (Since he had so much fun the first time, he visited Italy again a few years later. He had to leave. All the nuns were hiding.)

Since then, Chuck Norris has lived a quiet life. These days, all he does with his time is maintain the world’s population of ninjas. Yes, we’re well aware there aren’t many ninjas left. That’s what they get for messing with Chuck Norris.

I may have posted this on here before. If I did, apologies. Can't be assed to find it.
Tags: chuck norris, lolwut?
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